How Do I Control My Emotions? An ACT perspective
Dr. Mary Kate Roohan, PSYD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Therapist
It’s clear that many folks are overwhelmed, and honestly, it makes sense. We live with scary illnesses, reminders of loss, systematic oppression, a constant flood of information (that is not always based in fact), the pressure to be “on” 24/7, the fear of what is happening to our planet, and a deeply polarized social and political climate. These factors create a backdrop of uncertainty and tension, making it harder to process and regulate emotions effectively. Add to this the personal weight of major life transitions, and it’s no wonder so many are experiencing heightened stress.
Recent data from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) indicates that approximately 23.1% of U.S. adults (almost one in four!) meet the criteria for a mental health disorder. Additionally, a 2023 American Psychological Association (APA) survey indicated that 77% of workers had experienced work-related stress in the past month, with 57% noting negative impacts such as emotional exhaustion and decreased motivation.
As an Acceptance and Commitment Therapist (ACT) in Los Angeles, I am noticing how many clients are coming in feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting help. It’s safe to say that it is safe to say that emotions are running high.
The Surprising Thing about Controlling Emotions
The question I get asked by my clients most is: How do I control my emotions?
If you’ve ever wondered about how to control your feelings, you’re not alone. My SEO research taught me that every day, thousands of people Google phrases like “how to control my emotions” and “can’t stop my emotions.”
So… clearly it’s an important, relevant question. Ideally… there would be an easy, simple answer.
When I am responding to this question, I draw on one of my favorite evidence-based modalities: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT helps people live more fully by learning to make room for difficult thoughts and feelings rather than fighting against them. The focus of this “third wave” behavioral therapy is to support clients in taking valued actions so that they can build a life that feels full and vibrant. This modality teaches us that the goal is not to feel good all the time, but to build a life that feels purposeful and aligned with the person we want to be.
So when clients ask me how to control their emotions, I tell them what ACT taught me:
You can’t completely control your emotions. You can’t stop your emotions. You can only control how you respond to them.
I know this can be a disappointing answer. You might feel like if you could “control” your emotions, your life would be so much easier. I have definitely felt that way before.
If I Can’t Control My Emotions, What Can I Do?
Here’s the good news: you can control how you respond to your emotions after you’ve felt them. And if you can do this, life will probably start feeling a lot more manageable.
So, what do you need to do to feel a sense of agency in your life?
Feel your feelings.
Hear me out.
Emotions are natural, instinctive responses that can’t just be shut off. That’s why it’s impossible to “stop” emotions altogether.
We need our emotions—they’re there to communicate important information. When we try to push them away, they usually get more intense. Allowing yourself to actually feel your emotions helps you understand what they are communicating, which is the first step in managing them more effectively.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us that it is human instinct to want to fight or control emotions, especially because it can be uncomfortable to feel so intensely. The natural urge to make the painful feeling stop is amplified by a culture of toxic positivity, which tells us to “just be happy” or “stay positive.”
But here’s the reality: struggling with our feelings, rather than gently allowing them to exist as they are, can actually increase the intensity of those feelings. It can also lead to a behavioral pattern of suppressing emotions, which has long-term consequences for both emotional and physical health.
So, what is the secret to helping us feel our feelings in order to gain back control?
The answer: Willingness
Willingness
When you are willing to sit with your feelings, you can figure out what they are communicating and make a choice about how you want to respond.
As a reminder, emotions are automatic responses that arise naturally, often without our conscious input. We can’t control if we will experience a feeling. We can’t just stop the emotion from happening.
But here’s something we can control: our response.
This is the nuance: after we feel our emotions, we can choose how to respond.
So, in other words, to gain control over our emotions, we need to be willing to let go of controlling them.
Now, you might be asking: “How exactly do I feel my feelings?”
The answer? Willingness.
Willingness is observing your internal experiences without trying to change them. When you practice willingness, you make the choice to sit with uncomfortable internal experiences—those unwanted feelings, thoughts, images, physical sensations, and memories. When an emotion comes up, even if your mind is saying, “No, I don’t want to feel this!” you allow yourself to feel. You just keep noticing what’s happening on the inside without trying to change it.
Willingness is a critical skill because once we understand what we’re feeling (and stop trying to run away from it), we can actually choose how to respond. We don’t have to spend our energy trying to avoid the feeling.
So here’s the paradox: not trying to control your emotions actually gives you more control. When a strong emotion comes up, letting yourself fully feel it without rushing to change it can lead to more adaptive behaviors AND a more meaningful life.
I know this is complicated stuff and oftentimes goes against what you have been taught your whole life. If you are interested in learning more, I encourage you to reach out to one of our therapists who provide Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Los Angeles. You can schedule a free 15-minute call with one of our team members, and they will answer any questions about ACT that you have. If you decide you want to take the next step of participating in therapy, the therapist will guide you through that process.
Want to know more about the author of this article?
Dr. Mary Kate Roohan is a licensed clinical psychologist in Pasadena, drama therapist, and the owner of Thrive and Feel. Mary Kate is passionate about working with Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and LGBTQIA+ folx. You can see more of her writing on Psychology Today or watch her video content on Youtube. If you are interested in free guides and resources from Dr. Mary Kate, feel free to sign up for her newsletter!
